I can't exactly pinpoint the cause of the anxiety or the depression. I just know I don't do well in large groups of colleagues....especially new ones. Sitting there trying as hard as I can to look like i'm at ease and confident while there's screaming and clawing self-doubt and panic trying to gnaw it's way out of my insides.
But that's life, right?
I hate having to sit and smile and pretend that i'm excited to be there. And it's not that I don't want to be there. I do, and I am excited. I am grateful for this opportunity to further my education, knowing that I will learn and grow as a professional artist. But the queasy negative feelings are titans compared to the size of my optimism.
It seems to be how my brain works, and I hate that.
When I slip into a negative frame of mind, I remind myself, I could still be working at Target, unloading trucks at 5am. I remember that, and then I realize i'm being silly and this is going to be a great year, I have no need to be a spinning roulette wheel of emotions.
But....
Round and round we go, what feeling we'll land at? Nobody knows.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
There's so much more to ramble on about. Feelings of inadequacy. Feelings of jealousy. And the frustration that our little band of Grads only feels like a family on the surface (no matter how true or false that statement is)..... but that's a whole post unto itself.
I miss the people that graduated last year, Michael and Joshua. They were 100% real. I never really counted on them for anything, but when I needed them...even just for small talk and a smile they came through.
At last years orientation...I was feeling as I do now (only ten times worse) and Joshua turned to me, handed me, just me, a piece of paper with all his information on it. He told me if I ever had problems or questions, not to hesitate to contact him. That gesture meant the world to me. I knew someone who knew the score...and was willing to help if I started to go astray.
I want to do that this year, (if there even are any new Grads). I want to hand a stranger my info and tell them, i'm there for them if they needed anything.
But will my frightened, dry-mouthed timid persona be too much in control? Will I be too proud, or shy or (most likely) too embarrassed to offer my help, or at the least plant the seed that I am a good person, and really would like to help, if i'm needed.
GAH.
So much more to write. I decided to blow the dust off this blog and write out some of my feelings. I don't think anyone ever looks at this blog...especially since it's been over a year since my last entry. (if you're reading this Jamie, thank you.) I just needed to get some of these thoughts out of my brain and onto a page. Meant to be more therapeutic than whiny.
I think this helped. And even though I still haven't explained or rationalized everything properly, at least it's a start.
Oy...I want to keep writing. All day if I had to. I think this is a conversation I can have only with myself. I could talk to Marleah, or Mike, or Dad about all this, but I would just get sympathy (and i'm not looking for pity). I know these loved ones are truthful and wonderful. But to be truthful as well, their platitudes of support don't quite help. They'll say i'm worrying too much or that I need to relax. Maybe it's me, but i've never instantly felt better because someone says it's going to be alright.
Blarg. These Rambles are spinning out of control, and I need to end this post. So that's all for now.
Hang in there Brandon!
No comments:
Post a Comment