Rambles on the eve of Orientation.

I feel an odd mixture of anxiety, excitement and depression about summer ending and the beginning of my second year as a Grad Student.

I can't exactly pinpoint the cause of the anxiety or the depression. I just know I don't do well in large groups of colleagues....especially new ones. Sitting there trying as hard as I can to look like i'm at ease and confident while there's screaming and clawing self-doubt and panic trying to gnaw it's way out of my insides.

But that's life, right?

I hate having to sit and smile and pretend that i'm excited to be there. And it's not that I don't want to be there. I do, and I am excited. I am grateful for this opportunity to further my education, knowing that I will learn and grow as a professional artist. But the queasy negative feelings are titans compared to the size of my optimism.

It seems to be how my brain works, and I hate that.

When I slip into a negative frame of mind, I remind myself, I could still be working at Target, unloading trucks at 5am. I remember that, and then I realize i'm being silly and this is going to be a great year, I have no need to be a spinning roulette wheel of emotions.
But....
Round and round we go, what feeling we'll land at? Nobody knows.

I don't know.
I don't know.

I don't know.
There's so much more to ramble on about. Feelings of inadequacy. Feelings of jealousy. And the frustration that our little band of Grads only feels like a family on the surface (no matter how true or false that statement is)..... but that's a whole post unto itself.

I miss the people that graduated last year, Michael and Joshua. They were 100% real. I never really counted on them for anything, but when I needed them...even just for small talk and a smile they came through.
At last years orientation...I was feeling as I do now (only ten times worse) and Joshua turned to me, handed me, just me, a piece of paper with all his information on it. He told me if I ever had problems or questions, not to hesitate to contact him. That gesture meant the world to me. I knew someone who knew the score...and was willing to help if I started to go astray.

I want to do that this year, (if there even are any new Grads). I want to hand a stranger my info and tell them, i'm there for them if they needed anything.
But will my frightened, dry-mouthed timid persona be too much in control? Will I be too proud, or shy or (most likely) too embarrassed to offer my help, or at the least plant the seed that I am a good person, and really would like to help, if i'm needed.

GAH.

So much more to write. I decided to blow the dust off this blog and write out some of my feelings. I don't think anyone ever looks at this blog...especially since it's been over a year since my last entry. (if you're reading this Jamie, thank you.) I just needed to get some of these thoughts out of my brain and onto a page. Meant to be more therapeutic than whiny.

I think this helped. And even though I still haven't explained or rationalized everything properly, at least it's a start.

Oy...I want to keep writing. All day if I had to. I think this is a conversation I can have only with myself. I could talk to Marleah, or Mike, or Dad about all this, but I would just get sympathy (and i'm not looking for pity). I know these loved ones are truthful and wonderful. But to be truthful as well, their platitudes of support don't quite help. They'll say i'm worrying too much or that I need to relax. Maybe it's me, but i've never instantly felt better because someone says it's going to be alright.

Blarg. These Rambles are spinning out of control, and I need to end this post. So that's all for now.

Hang in there Brandon!

Lasting Impressions...

I Googled, 'Gross Dinosaur Attacks cards' and
look what popped up right away!

The card series 'Dinosaur Attacks' came out when I was five, and it was horrifying to say the least. Truly the stuff of nightmares. Gory images of Dinosaurs killing, maiming and eating people. I remember being so scared by these cards that I hid them in our basement, never to see the light of day again! (I still wonder why I didn't just throw them away...weird)

No matter how hard I try I will never be able to forget this one card in particular. Nuptial Nightmare.
An unsuspecting Bride and Groom being impaled on the horns of a Triceratops.

The other night, some friends and I were sitting around the table having some wine; and somehow we got on the topic of creating an unforgettable image. Immediately the traumatizing image from my childhood flashed through my mind like a lightening bolt.

Why that image?

Is nothing more unforgettable than what disgusts and scares us?
   

Ectoplasmic Photography

Recently I was indulging in a favorite guilty pleasure: Documentaries and investigation-Shows about the Paranormal. If it involves anything from Bigfoot to UFOs i'm fascinated.
The particular show I caught the other day was discussing photographs that captured what was said to be ectoplasm. Ectoplasam being a smokey substance secreted from the various orifices of Mediums. Seances were very popular in the early 1900's. A Medium would be invited, and everyone would sit together in the dark, in the hopes of making contact. During some seances flash photographs would be taken..
The results are what you see above. Ectoplasmic Photography. As you can tell they arrange from unbelievable to disgusting. I have been very considerate and not posted some of the grosser ones that can be found online through Google.
Most of these photos were later proven to be hoaxes(duh!). The Medium found to be using smoke, dry ice, cotton, cheesecloth, and various other methods to achieve this effect when the flash bulb went off.

Long story short: I love these photos (The more fantastical, less-disgusting ones). The above photo on the right is amazing. There are multiple different ones featuring photos of people floating in the middle of "ectoplasm". Maybe i'm alone on this one, but I think they're really cool!

I would love to do a series of bizarre black and white drawings depicting this paranormal phenomena!

Strangers with Candy

"Hello, I'm Jerri Blank. Thirty-two years ago I dropped out of high school and ran away from home. Oh, I made a lot of friends... did a lot of time. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. I stole the TV... Did some more time. But now I'm back in school! And though the faces may have changed, the hassles are just the same."
                                                                       -Strangers with Candy


I love that show! Amy Sedaris is amazing as forty-six year-old derelict Jerri Blank. If you've never seen this edgy Comedy Central cult classic(YOU SHOULD GO BUY IT ON AMAZON NOW!), it's about an ex-con picking up the pieces of her life and going back to school in an attempt to improve her life.

Ever since I first started the application process to Grad School I kept making connections between myself and the journey of Jerri. I was of course joking...mostly. But ya know, maybe there is some truth to Strangers With Candy.

Not much has changed, college is just how I left it nine years ago. So naturally I imagined myself in Jerri Blank orthopedic loafers as I walked onto campus this past Wednesday. I immediately decided to post these feelings to Facebook. My status for that day read:

It's my first day of Grad School and i'm feeling a little like Strangers With Candy....Will the kids like me? Will they think i'm cool? Good thing i'm wearing the turtleneck sweater I bought at The Comfort Zone...

All the old expectations and anxieties were still there. I guess no matter how many times I go to a new school, or start a new job, first-day jitters won't be something I'll easily shake off.

Anyhoo...

My first week of classes are over! I did it! I survived! And even though the hassles were just the same, something other than the faces changed. I changed.

There is no doubt the next three years are going to be hard, but this time around i'm ready for whatever academia throws my way!

Good times!!